I wrote a humorous essay for the New York Observer and sure would love it if you gave it a read!

Sexy Pool Party

Limitations are goddamn great.

Brian and I wrote the first draft of this sketch about 4 years ago. We were in LA for the week and wanted to film something so we quickly banged this out. Due to limitations we were unable to film it then. Had the limitations not been there, things would be very different. For example:

-It originally took place at the beach.

-The models replacing Brian and I would have been our friends Cameron Cruz and Chris Lowell.

-There was no ‘Fifi the dog’ character.

-When we all went into the water together we emerged as a shirtless Taye Diggs.

(Taye Diggs was ultimately the limitation that kept us from filming the sketch. Chris was on ‘Private Practice’ with Taye and, despite our pleading, refused to ruin his relationship with him by asking him to spend an afternoon filming a topless scene with an UNHEARD OF internet sketch comedy group. What a dick.)

For years we kept the sketch on the back burner, knowing we needed the right celebrity for the ending button. Then, in 2011, we filmed ‘Much Ado About Nothing’ and met Nathan Fillion. Instantly, we knew he’d be perfect. About two times more perfect than Taye Diggs. Sorry, Taye.

(Just to be clear, I’m not on a first name basis with Taye Diggs. In fact, I’ve never met him, because I don’t know anybody that knows him. OH WAIT YES I DO, BUT HE’S A BIG OL’ JERK WHO WON’T INTRODUCE US.)

It took a full year to build up the courage to ask Nathan to do the sketch. Before emailing him the script, we did a bottom up re-write, VASTLY improving the sketch.

Had we filmed it four years ago, it would have looked terrible (because it wouldn’t have been shot by the immensely talented Jay Hunter), been written worse, and had shitty Chris Lowell acting in it.

Had we filmed it four years ago, I guarantee it would not have the 6 million views it currently does. A large part of which (I have no delusions) are due to the fact that the beautiful Mariel Booth is the thumbnail image.

———-Joke I Loved From An Earlier Draft———-

(Brian and Nick are dunking other objects into the pool and pulling out the sexier versions)

Nick dunks a can of Pepsi and pulls out a Coca-Cola.

Brian: Cool!

Brian dunks an actual mousetrap and pulls out the children’s board game Mousetrap.

Nick: Awesome!

Nick dunks a Bible underwater and pulls out the Quran. An awkward pause.

Nick: Well, that’s controversial.

The Dinner Party

BriTANicK is able to exist because Brian and I are blessed with talented, generous friends.  

Jeffrey Waldron shot the shit out of this. That man is DEADLY with a camera and should have been payed in thousands of dollars instead of fun size Snickers.

Jessy Hodges and Rose McIver are talented beyond words and had a positive, patient, DELIGHTFUL energy on the set. (Pay attention actors: that second part is more important).

KYLE MOONEY. I ruined about half of Kyle’s takes because he kept making me laugh.

John Milhiser and Dan Schimpf rounded out the crew, sacrificing two days of their lives to help us make this.

Had one of these people decided they’d rather stay home and watch Homeland, this sketch would not exist.

——————-JOKE I LOVED FROM AN EARLIER DRAFT———————

(Nick has just learned that Ashley’s had sex with Steven Evans)

Nick: Ashley, you are my WIFE. You can’t just be running around putting hats on hot dogs with other men!

Brian: (to Rose) EXACTLY—(then, to Nick) Wait what?

Nick: What?

Ashley: Nick doesn’t know what sex is, he thinks it means putting tiny hats on hot dogs while hanging out with somebody else.

Nick: That’s NOT sex?!

Ashley: You’ve never had sex. 

BONG!!!

8 years ago, I arrived in New York; a skinny, awkward 18 year old who was somewhat worried he was going to be killed by terrorists. Sunday morning I left it; a doughy, awkward 26 year old who’s positive he’s going to die due to cirrhosis of the liver. 

So much of New York to me is the people that choose to live inside it. The best of these people will not only stay up till 9am on a Saturday to drunkenly dance with you but will stay up even longer on a Tuesday to listen to you whine about whatever is breaking your heart that week. The worst of these people will chop you up and store your body parts in their refrigerators (that’s not a metaphor, there are some fucking evil people that live here).

I will miss the concerts, the plays, the comedy clubs, the amazing restaurants, the beautiful buildings, the fantastic food festivals, the bars that stay open later than they advertise, the occasionally hilarious signs homeless men hold, the street performers who are genuinely talented, the ability to walk anywhere, the day early in the spring when literally every girl in the city decides to wear a sun dress, SANTACON, walking out onstage at UCB, the way I feel when I bike along the water, the frozen hot chocolate at Serendipity, the way the city looks at sunset from a rooftop in Brooklyn, and a whole bunch of other things that I forget now but will remember 10 minutes after posting this. I will miss all of those things greatly. More than that though, I will miss the people.

New York, you’ve been both great and horrible to me. I treasure the time I spent inside of you. I’ll see you soon. 

ps. Los Angeles, I know there’s good stuff about you too, but I’m still in mourning, give me some time. 

Easily the most uncomfortable video we’ve ever shot.

Several times while naked in the hallway, I’d hear the elevator ding and then have to SPRINT back inside before my neighbors could arrive and discover a whole lot more man ass than they’d normally encounter on a Wednesday night. 

Fun fact: I drew the Bartman you can see on the chalkboard and I’m more proud of that than anything else I’ve ever done. 

SPOILER ALERT!! Sneak preview of a Brian McElhaney tweet! (Taken with instagram)

SPOILER ALERT!! Sneak preview of a Brian McElhaney tweet! (Taken with instagram)

Gadget. (Taken with instagram)

Gadget. (Taken with instagram)

We’re editing. You know, like being in hell? (Taken with instagram)

We’re editing. You know, like being in hell? (Taken with instagram)

New York, you’re alright.

New York, you’re alright.

People in this park had NO IDEA what the hell we were doing.